Maybe things will be better tomorrow..

I've been sitting here thinking. I wonder if how I first felt about the journaling that I was doing on aol will ever return.

I'm more settled now, but I still feel like things just aren't right and i'm not really sure why.

I'm pondering what i should write about.I think I've divided my life into sections that could have memories to write about.

From birth to age 20, I lived with my mother and brother. (until he went in the Air Force)

At age 20 I married and for the next 26 years I wasa wife and mother to two boys.

At age 46 i was divorced and off to live in California.
The following 10 years I spent there and for thefirst time took some time to begin to "think of myself" for the first time that i could remember.It was a time when i became friends with the Kelleysand they were in my life very promenently.

When work dried up I had to move back to NJ tolive with my brother.
When i first arrived, although he had a stroke years before and was paralyzed on his right side he did everything anyone could do with two hands and two feet. But only weeks after I moved here he had a heart attack and bypass surgery. He slowed down alot from that.. then he gained alot ofweight and slowed down even more, until now he is having trouble even standing.

When I moved here i had high hopes of taking careof myself. Dealing with depression, anxioty and stress so that i might feel like I was worth something. That didn't happen..

So, at times i sit in front of my journal and wonder what to write. I don't want my constant feelings of myself to show in my writing, at least not on a regular basis. Heck.. I wouldn't want to read constant depression, so no one else should either.

I wish aol hadn't brought me back down to my "normal low level".. it wasn't all their fault of course ..but it sure took more of a toll then it would have it my life wasn't as it is.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow.