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Location: Vero Beach, Florida, United States

My name is Pat and I live in Florida. My skin will never be smooth again and my hair will never see color. I enjoy collecting autographs and playing in Paint Shop Pro.,along with reading and writing. Sometimes, I enjoy myself by doing volunteer "work" helping celebrities at autograph shows. I love animals and at one time I did volunteer work for Tippi Hedren's Shambala Preserve.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Are there any Answers?

When something is wrong, re: not feeling well , a mysterious pain that won't go away, anything that you can't come up with an immediate diagnosis for; I go into a panicked/ depression mode.

My whole inside reacts immediately by going into over drive. My stomach churns, I begin to shake, and I cry. In other words: I am scared shitless. (there I said it.)

All the worst possibilities jump to the top of the list. And fear becomes my bosoom buddy.

Why this happens I don't know, but it has been this way for me ever since I can remember. I was never one of those folks that say, oh it will go away, or, simply go to a doctor to find out. THAT last one in particular I put off.. because I'm afraid of what I will hear.

I even do this when I need to ask for help or ask for a simple favor... i put it off, afraid the answer won't be what I need to hear.

It makes me wonder where it came from. Why do I always think the worst will happen? Why do I feel that no one will willingly reach out to me. (without expecting something in return). Part of that could be why I don't reach out. I don't feel I could reciprocate, so why would anyone help me? Maybe this is why I always feel so alone.

My brain tells me that the panicked reaction I get doesn't help. (duh) So I wonder why I can't control it, as much as I wonder how it all began. I even get this way when it's not me! One time when we had to call the ambulance for my brother.. it happened. The shakes, the crying, the turmoil in my stomach so that I thought I was going to be sick, and even (ehmm) the intestines. Ah yes, for a long time I've know the meaning of having the "you know what" scared out of you! That folks is not just a saying.

My brain knows that it deals with lack of control over the situation. The "not knowing". And of course the fear "OF knowing".

So what makes a person deal in such a manner? Why do some "go off the deep end" and react such as I do while others click into some reserve power to see the situation through?

If you have any answers I'd sure like to know them!


14 Comments:

Blogger ian said...

It might just be a panic reaction at circumstances which are out of your control. I know that my mom has some of the same problems. I don't have anything more enlightening to add, but maybe my readers will, for I've listed you as one of EDog Recommends links for January. Congratulations, Deslily, and I hope it boosts your traffic!

Ian

12:09 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I don't have any answers but I understand what you are going through. It's something that maybe therapy might help. But many suffer from this. I hope things get better for you.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous julie said...

Oh, I go through that as well. And having two cancer scares in as many years hasn't helped. ian has a point. My doc prescribed me a very low dose of Xanax. It's the lowest dose possible, he said. I can even take two if I really need it. The stuff is a great muscle relaxant, too. (Doc says I can take it for that.)

Happy New Year!

12:40 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I think part of it is an age thing and that's not to say you're old at all! I just think that the older we get, the more worried or panicked we become about something like this. I'm in my mid 40s and I find myself obssessing about having cancer or something horrible and leaving my boys (5 and 9) behind. I worry enough that I've sought help for it because it was really starting to keep me awake and interfere with my day to day life.
My mom does the same thing you do. A lot. She also takes Xanax and that seems to help quite a bit. Trust me when I say you are not alone in this. We've all been there at one point or another, I'm sure.

2:35 PM  
Blogger DesLily said...

thanks for all the advice.. this doesn't happen on a daily or even weekly basis.. just when some health issue comes up, especially unexpected.

I know that added to the problem is the fact that I can't just go to a doctor. I care for my brother who cannot be left alone (and everyone knows you don't go in and out of a doctors office in just 1/2 hr!) When someone is here besides myself it's only evenings and weekends.. can we say no doctors keep evening and weekend hours.. (or nearly none) Heck, I am supposed to be getting monthly b12 injections which I can't even get to! So I know this sort of thing adds to the problem.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Kiyotoe said...

are there doctors that still make house calls? Or are those days long gone with Little House on the Prairie. I understand you're taking vare of your brother but you've got to take care of yourself as well. Because if you don't, then who will look after him?

That overwhelming feeling gets to be too much for some of us, and like you said, some people can take on those burdens and see them through. I'm sure i've mentioned my ,ethods of coping at one point or another, meditating, prayer, and having long long conversations with my "conscilliary" (a.k.a. Paz).

Sometimes just hearing that no matter how crappy stuff gets, there is someone that's in your corner and will always be in your corner, helps. Burden is a little lighter when there's someone there to help you carry it.

'ya know? Let me know if you need a Dragon ear. ;)

5:15 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

panic or anxiety disorder.
But why dont You have panic or anxiety from other things as well.

There are some prescriptions that help. But YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR FIRST!!!!

5:48 PM  
Blogger DesLily said...

kiyotoe: House calls? LOL LOL do YOU even remember those? I think you are too young!! The did have them when I was a kid.

No Pam I don't have panic attacks from anything else. I do have alot of depression.. constantly. But this fear when anything medical is wrong is something I've always had, long as I can remember.

6:57 PM  
Blogger thethinker said...

In general, I'm a very paranoid person. I always think the worst will happen. So when you find out an answer to that question, please let me know!

9:11 PM  
Blogger SQT said...

I used to be a lot like you. I think it's a fear reaction. We often don't want to face what we fear. I think this is totally normal to be honest.

I got over it by going to school overseas. For some reason that experience taught me not to sweat the small stuff and handle the bigger stuff decisively. I think it's because the situation was so stressful that I couldn't take on any more worry and I had to learn to let stuff go; especially the stuff that's out of my control.

My mother-in-law suffers from extreme anxiety and she started taking anti-depressants to calm her down. This works very well for her.

I had post-partum depression after my daughter was born and took anti-depressants for awhile. They really helped at the time, though I prefer a more holistic approach for the long term. I did a lot of research and found out that vitamin and mineral deficiencies can affect your mindset. Honestly, this is true.

I started taking the vitamins and minerals recommended for helping me get over my anxiety and it really helped. You might look on the net for some information. It sounds kind of flaky, I know, but it's weird how our nutrition can affect how we think. I didn't suffer post-partum depression after my second child and I really do think it's due to giving my body what it needed.

5:55 AM  
Blogger The Counselor said...

Hesitantly, I have to agree with Kiyotoe. It's imperative that you make time for yourself and see a doctor.

Doctors can be very scary. I think it's very common to fear getting life-changing news at a doctor's office. I think it's even scarier to find out you have something that could have easily been treated if discovered earlier.

As women, we often put ourselves in positions to take care of others--while neglecting ourselves.

You are important to so many of us in the blogworld (especially that Kiyotoe...lol). PLEASE take care of yourself. I don't know how to make him cool dragon pics. He'll be lost without you!!

4:54 PM  
Blogger DesLily said...

Thinker: I doubt there's a true answer to it..but if i find one you'll be the first to know!

Sqt and Counselor: you'll be happy to hear i have a doc appt. 9:30 tomorrow. and yes I'm still terrified. but there's a reason behind that.. the eye.. my mother when i was younger had to go to an eye doc. because she got something in her eye.. she came out of the office crying/ shaking and hysterical because the PUT A NEEDLE IN HER EYE while she sat there!...nuff said ok?.. if i can see thru whatever they put in my eyes tomorrow I'll report in.. otherwise ya'll have to wait until the blurs go away..

5:05 PM  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

Get found out...get yourself checked out and try to not freak anymore!!!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Patrick said...

I am a tremendous hypochondriac, so I know exactly how you feel. Any little symptom I have will be interpreted by my brain as the ultimate worst-case scenario.

One thing I have conditioned myself to do over the years is to stop reading medical encyclopedias and websites. If I start looking up symptoms, I'll drive myself into a panic attack in no time.

If you have any such books or if you have medical-related links bookmarked, I'd recommend you do away with them. That was a big help for me.

11:18 PM  

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