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Location: Vero Beach, Florida, United States

My name is Pat and I live in Florida. My skin will never be smooth again and my hair will never see color. I enjoy collecting autographs and playing in Paint Shop Pro.,along with reading and writing. Sometimes, I enjoy myself by doing volunteer "work" helping celebrities at autograph shows. I love animals and at one time I did volunteer work for Tippi Hedren's Shambala Preserve.

Friday, February 20, 2009

update instead of comment

Thank you again everyone.. this post is not so much for everyone's information as to just write and see it it helps getting it off my chest...

I still can't believe this has happened and am constantly sick to my stomach.

I  am having some smallish medical problems which are worsening my frame of mind since I can't go to a doc until March first when medicare kicks in.  I did call and talk to my doctor and she sounds like it's not "very serious" and she sounds confident but I guess because David went to a doc a week before he died and did get an EKG and chest X-ray and they said they showed nothing that now i am leery and nervous but if I go to the doctor (full price) and it was something  they want tests for, I really can't afford that! I can't do anything until March 1st.  part of me thinks it can wait, the other part of me is so alone and afraid of what life might have in store for me that I am obsessing on this... being totally alone in this house with the 5 cats doesn't help. 

I know I need to eat but have zero appetite.. I am drinking tea though to try to settle my stomach.. for two night have slept with the TV on, which I never do..am only sleeping about 3 hrs a night. It doesn't help that I've been having trouble sleeping for some time now.  I know it's nerves and I know I keep using the word "afraid" because it's how I feel. 

Fearful things going thru my head..

Where I will go when I can no longer be here. I cannot afford to live on my own from my social security and even if I was given a free apartment I have so little SS left after medical coverage I couldn't afford monthly bills.  Big problem also is I don't drive anymore and don't think my eyes would let me get another license and can't afford a car and gas and insurance even if I could.

afraid of the two medical problems..but I truly get fearful of all medical things so this is normal that I get full of anxiety and cry over things like this until they are fixed. (it's the not knowing that gets me this way)

afraid at night being alone in this house in this neighborhood.  again, probably more than I should be but I can watch drugs being sold day and night out my window .

I'm afraid in general because this sort of stuff stays in my head day and night. I haven't read even a sentence in my books, I can't concentrate. I keep waiting for David to come home from work.

I look around my room at all my books and clothes and think of packing them up and think of boxes still in the garage that I could never empty because this is not my house and there was no room for more.  I wonder if I can even keep my books and things in boxes because I don't know where I will be... my son isn't working due to machine shops closing up where he lives in Ft Lauderdale and they are close to loosing their home... they are doing the "refinancing" thing with the bank right now so that should help, but they can't continue to live on one income and I couldn't contribute enough to matter, not to mention their house isn't designed to house another person, at least not more then very short term without possessions.  I probably own a half a garage full of boxes (maybe 5 ft high) once all packed up.. a bed and desk one free standing book shelves and my computer.. that's it.  I can pack but I don't know where to go. (I will be here a few months before this occurs)

David is supposed to come home. 

My brother and David were my "security".. now they are both dead within 4 months of each other.  My brother beat the odds of a number of years so I am glad he did that much but I wish he wasn't dead. 

David never retired, he was 72 he never enjoyed his savings.  We were just beginning to get out of the house and go to movies.  We were leaning heavily on each other over my brother and it helped us both. He did love his job and the people he worked with, but he hadn't enjoyed his older years yet and he could have afforded to. (nothing grand but he could have retired and relaxed and even some traveling if he wanted to)  

sorry to ramble I thought if I wrote as things were going thru my mind it would help.. maybe it does, but it's not stopping me from crying as I write... 

Thank you all for your concern.  I especially appreciate it because I know, without a doubt, that all concerns come from people that all have their own problems to deal with... I hope  you troubles are few not too terribly serious and not long lasting.

The funeral is Sunday and the burial Monday. David will be buried in the same grave as my brother (he had gotten a double deep one) They'll be together again..but they left me here alone.  I wish I could stop crying long enough to be mad at them.

17 Comments:

Blogger Molly said...

I am so sorry for this incredibly painful, insecure time in your life. There are no words that can comfort, I know that.

My mom went through a similar experience 3.5 years ago. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it seems so very far away. You are allowing yourself to feel, and that is a good thing (the feelings are blech - but expressing them is good). Know that grief is a very personal thing - and all of us grieve differently.

If there is one piece of advice that could offer, based solely on my mom's painful journey - that would be to participate in some kind of grief therapy. For her there was at least some comfort in the fact that she was not the only one going through this experience.

Thoughts and prayers are continually said for you....

7:25 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Thanks for updating; there were so many questions in my mind, and this has answered some of them.

Please try to eat something, if only some soup or yogurt.

7:54 AM  
Blogger Astaryth said...

{{{Hugs}}} I was glad to see an update from you. You've been on my mind a lot since I spoke to you the other night. I know that it is a small thing, but know that a lot of us care about you and are thinking about you.

All of these feelings are part of the grieving process, but that doesn't make them any easier. Please try to eat a little bit even if you don't want to. In fact, set up specific 'meal' times and be sure to eat a little something even if you don't feel hungry.

Keep us updated. We worry...

8:51 AM  
Blogger Cath said...

It seems a lot of us are worried sick about you, Pat. Just know that we're all thinking about you and hoping for the best. I just e.mailed you.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Melli said...

Pat... I hate that you are going through this. Right now I SO wish that you were a woman of faith - because God does sO much to EASE our fears. THAT is what He does best. But... YOU are a survivor! And I promise you - this is going to work out. You have done some AMAZING things in your life - you have spunk (not right this minute - but you have it! It's something to rely on.) and you have grit. And you're at a stage in your life when you never WANTED to have to rely on those two things again -- but you do!

Now... let's think about possibilities... You have been nursing your sick brother for HOW many years before his death? Perhaps you could get a job as a live in companion to an elderly person or something like that? Or... you love books so much - maybe you could get a job in a book store. Obviously you are going to have to bolster your SS income somehow. But even if your son does NOT really have room for you in his home - I KNOW that he would MAKE room if the necessity was there. I know because I know how many times my own home has been reshaped to make room ... it's what family does. But for right now, you do have a few months... and that is good. It gives you time to grieve first and then come up with a plan.

And you are in my prayers.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Nymeth said...

I've been thinking about you too, Pat. If there's anything at all your blogging friends can do to help, even if in a small way, please don't hesitate to let us know. We're all here for you. Hugs from across the ocean.

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Karmyn R said...

I am so sorry - my heart hurts for you. Right now things look bleak, but I have hope there is light!

4:15 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Besides grieving, your first priority is to find out where you will land.

Is that David's house or a rental?

Are you signed up on the waiting list for the assisted housing?

Do you have anyone that can help you move when you have to do it?

Can you have a garage sale and part with some of those books that are boxed up instead of moving them?

This is a lot to handle when you have to come to grips with the loss of the two mainstays in your life.

I'm going to be praying for you pat.

Please eat. Please keep us updated.

4:30 PM  
Blogger DesLily said...

again, thank you all.. sorry i am not up to reading and commenting yet. when my brother died I had david to lean on and help me get thru it and though my life changed in many ways, some remained the same, this time the few that remained are gone and no one here with me everyday to lean on ... but i will try to get back somewhat after the burial.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pat....I am so sorry to hear this and all that you're going through. I've been sick for several weeks so hadn't been reading the blog. I am going to be praying for you constantly. I know something will work out, but right now you have to grieve. Such a sad and unexpected thing to happen. I know the Lord will strengthen you even if you don't feel it right now. He is holding you tight in his arms. I will call you. Just cuddle up with the kitties and let them comfort you as you comfort them. I love you Pat and I will help where I can.

Carole

11:22 PM  
Blogger Ladytink_534 said...

Poor Deslily! Now I'm crying too :(

5:44 PM  
Blogger Kim L said...

I'm going to keep it short because my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You have lost a big part of your life in a short time and you must be reeling from all of that. Although you may feel alone, please remember that you have lots of internet friends who love and care about you. I am sure that all of us wish we could be there in person to give you a big hug. So please accept the internet alternative ((hugs)).

8:43 PM  
Blogger Indigo said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this on top of losing two people you cared about deeply within months of one another. I often wonder what my own fate would be if I were to lose Paul. Your in my thoughts dear one. I hope somehow things work out soon for you. Keeping you in my prayers on the smoke. (Hugs)Indigo

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Daniel said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you :-)

8:42 PM  
Blogger DesLily said...

seems like thank you is all i know how to say anymore... but thank you again.

I am still not seeing anything good on my horizon so depression is all encompassing... my head just won't concentrate even on things I need it to concentrate on....

but I know I had a post ready before all this happened.. strangely enough it was 6 things that make me happy... i will post it tomorrow.. ironic that it was that topic...

12:43 PM  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Pat My Dear...I am so very sorry to read of your loss...! I haven't ben around very much because of my own prob;ems plus some computer problems, too....This has to be incredibly devistating for you---Both your brother and now David...gone! So many unknowns and I know how hard it is to be alone and I feel for you, my dear.
All these unknowns bring on such anxiety and fear, on top of the terrible sadness you feel....I am thinking of you and my heart goes out to you, dear Pat....I send you Big Hugs. (((((((HUGS)))))))

1:32 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Oh Pat, I am so very sorry about my last comment ... because I am reading bacward rather than forward.

I am so very sorry you have to suffer these two losses back to back. No one should have to go through this and yet, somehow people do and they do survive.

Prayers and hugs to you ... I wish there was more for me to say or do for you.
Kathy

3:17 PM  

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