Sometimes, ya just wanna Barf.
Recently I reviewed a book called The Candy Store War. There was a character in there that I didn't go into depth about named John. I still don't want to give him away but I will say this: John was once put under a spell. It worked something like this.. if he broke someone's leg, his leg got broken. If he shot someone in the shoulder, his shoulder felt the shot... get the picture? Good..
With that in mind I think this same spell should be put on Doctors.
Maybe no Surgeons..but general doctors. You know.. the ones that send you for all sorts of tests because they don't know what's wrong with you.
Maybe they would think twice about putting you through some of the things one has to go through for tests. You know, so you could skip those that most likely are NOT going to show what's wrong. Because I do believe they put people through unnecessary tests just for the insurance money. (sorry, but it's how I feel)
I think it would be nice if when a doctors says.. "oh let's do a catscan". That why you are forced to drink 32 ounces of that ugly stuff called barium, that they to get the feelings like you feel while doing it!
Granted one doesn't have to drink it all at once... but still. Have you ever had to drink barium? heh..
Now they flavor it. Oh yes! Now they say, "oh but it tastes like bananas!"
Let me tell you something. I like bananas. But this stuff does NOT taste like bananas! Unless you want to consider how a rotten banana tastes, all slimy and gross.
So Wednesday night I drank 8 oz of banana tasting slime followed by 8 oz. of water. My instant thought was: I hope this stuff stays DOWN!
This began my dreams that the doctor should feelwhat the patient feels.
When I woke the next morning (after being awake half the night). I had to drink another 8 oz of slime followed by 8 oz of water. Did I mention that I can't even drink a cup of coffee down? I'm a sipper. It takes me about an hour to drink a cup of coffee!
A half hour passes and I'm to drink 8 oz of water. Already too late to say it's a saving grace.. my stomach is as close as I want it to be before barfing.
Another half hour passes. I drink 8 more ozs of slime and 8 oz of water.
Ok.. now it feels like it's creeping back UP my throat. I continue to swallow saliva in hopes it will not explode! I am to take the last 8 oz of slime with me to the catscan place and drink it there. gawd help me!
By now I really want the doctor to have to go through this with me. After all, it's only right that they REALLY know how the patient feels, don't ya think?
They take me in the back for the catscan. I have a nice looking young black man for a tech. (cute accent too!) He tells me to take off my bra.
Hello?!
Do you really know what you are asking?! I'm 63!
It's been ages since a bra is NOT a NECESSITY! Do you really want to see this????
The Tech walks away. (he was smart after all!)
He walks me to the room where the scan is to be done. I am still carrying the 1/2 bottle of barium. I told him I am supposed to drink this before the scan, and he goes to get me some water. When he returns I try my best to smile at him without saliva running out of the sides of my mouth from the I'm about to toss all I already drank into your lap feeling I am having.
I managed to squeak out a warning.
If I drink this, there's an EXCELLENT chance you will get to see both bottles of this stuff really quickly... do you have something I can keep near me in case this all comes out like a volcano?
He smiled at me. (he really was a cutie).. I can tell he's thinking about what I said. He excuses himself for a moment and leaves, only to come back again.
You know, he says.. I really think we can do this without you finishing the barium. (told ya he was smart!)
I smiled back at him, as I wipe the slobber from the corner of my mouth..
I think that is probably a good thing, I said.
He told me to lay down on the part of the machine that would move me through the scan and once again gave me his most winning smile as he told me : this will only take a moment or two.
Well dang..(I thought) not much different than when I was married.
With that in mind I think this same spell should be put on Doctors.
Maybe no Surgeons..but general doctors. You know.. the ones that send you for all sorts of tests because they don't know what's wrong with you.
Maybe they would think twice about putting you through some of the things one has to go through for tests. You know, so you could skip those that most likely are NOT going to show what's wrong. Because I do believe they put people through unnecessary tests just for the insurance money. (sorry, but it's how I feel)
I think it would be nice if when a doctors says.. "oh let's do a catscan". That why you are forced to drink 32 ounces of that ugly stuff called barium, that they to get the feelings like you feel while doing it!
Granted one doesn't have to drink it all at once... but still. Have you ever had to drink barium? heh..
Now they flavor it. Oh yes! Now they say, "oh but it tastes like bananas!"
Let me tell you something. I like bananas. But this stuff does NOT taste like bananas! Unless you want to consider how a rotten banana tastes, all slimy and gross.
So Wednesday night I drank 8 oz of banana tasting slime followed by 8 oz. of water. My instant thought was: I hope this stuff stays DOWN!
This began my dreams that the doctor should feelwhat the patient feels.
When I woke the next morning (after being awake half the night). I had to drink another 8 oz of slime followed by 8 oz of water. Did I mention that I can't even drink a cup of coffee down? I'm a sipper. It takes me about an hour to drink a cup of coffee!
A half hour passes and I'm to drink 8 oz of water. Already too late to say it's a saving grace.. my stomach is as close as I want it to be before barfing.
Another half hour passes. I drink 8 more ozs of slime and 8 oz of water.
Ok.. now it feels like it's creeping back UP my throat. I continue to swallow saliva in hopes it will not explode! I am to take the last 8 oz of slime with me to the catscan place and drink it there. gawd help me!
By now I really want the doctor to have to go through this with me. After all, it's only right that they REALLY know how the patient feels, don't ya think?
They take me in the back for the catscan. I have a nice looking young black man for a tech. (cute accent too!) He tells me to take off my bra.
Hello?!
Do you really know what you are asking?! I'm 63!
It's been ages since a bra is NOT a NECESSITY! Do you really want to see this????
The Tech walks away. (he was smart after all!)
He walks me to the room where the scan is to be done. I am still carrying the 1/2 bottle of barium. I told him I am supposed to drink this before the scan, and he goes to get me some water. When he returns I try my best to smile at him without saliva running out of the sides of my mouth from the I'm about to toss all I already drank into your lap feeling I am having.
I managed to squeak out a warning.
If I drink this, there's an EXCELLENT chance you will get to see both bottles of this stuff really quickly... do you have something I can keep near me in case this all comes out like a volcano?
He smiled at me. (he really was a cutie).. I can tell he's thinking about what I said. He excuses himself for a moment and leaves, only to come back again.
You know, he says.. I really think we can do this without you finishing the barium. (told ya he was smart!)
I smiled back at him, as I wipe the slobber from the corner of my mouth..
I think that is probably a good thing, I said.
He told me to lay down on the part of the machine that would move me through the scan and once again gave me his most winning smile as he told me : this will only take a moment or two.
Well dang..(I thought) not much different than when I was married.
posted by DesLily | 11:54 AM
6 Comments:
Ha! Your conversation with the tech had me cracking up and then your last sentence just put me over the edge, lol.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I was about to throw up just reading this post! That's horrible! Glad it's over though, and I hope that your results come back ok. I'll be keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed for you!
Oh my. Such lovely memories you've raised...
The last time I had to drink that gunk was in the ER when I was having a gall bladder attack. Drank an entire bottle of it and then didn't even have the test. The x-rays where enough.
Hope it's all behind you soon!
cjh
LOL! Ohhhhhh I SO agree with you on this one!!! Goooood grief! Make them ALL feel it! The ones ordering it, and the ones running it! LOL! Oh... but that would probably make doctors limit themselves to like ... what?... ONE patient a day??? A week? A YEAR???
It is indeed sad that we all enjoyed your wonderful description of this horrible experience so much - but it was so accurate! It's just how you feel, so helpless and vulnerable to whatever awful thing they make you do.
I remember a similar (if not quite as horrific) experience from when I went in for my first ultrasound for my first child. They told me to drink all this water, which I obediently did, and then they made me wait and wait and wait and wait and wait...
I really thought I was going to pop! I begged them to let me go to the bathroom, just a little, if it was going to take any longer, but they refused, saying the ultrasound wouldn't come out as well, safety of the baby, blah blah blah. You know what a button "safety of the baby" is - of course, of course, whatever they say, it's for the safety of the baby.
Finally when the technician was ready for me (I'm sweating at this point, barely able to stand - plus combine this with morning sickness, ready to throw up with or without provocation, any time, anywhere), they took one look at my bladder on the screen and urged me to go to the bathroom right away - the scan would be just fine! Talk about relief!!
Ha! You make a horrible experience very entertaining...at least for those of us who only had to go through it vicariously with you! Are you okay? I hope the test turned out well.
Contrast fluid is the foulest fluid on the earth. But Bill The Cat rules:)
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