Karen & Billy

Since my brain is still FAR from being functional I am going to lean on Karen's post about awards and then on a personal frustration..

Karen asked that people post a picture of an award or plaque or certificate that had been awarded to them. This she asks of someone who couldn't win a horse race if the race only had one horse! But there was a time "long long ago" that I entered a embroidery I did in a Fair. It did win 2nd place and a blue ribbon. However, since moving a number of times since then, I can no longer find the Blue Ribbon to take a photo of... so I did the next best thing I could think of and have a photo of the Embroidery that won second place.

This is it... it's rather large (about 36 inches wide by 52 inches tall). It took me the better part of a year to do it. If you read Fantasy Fiction you might recognize it as part of the Pern Series of books.. "Ruth" The White Dragon to be specific. It once was framed but now it's folded up in a box, but even after nearly 25 years I still have it. So.. that's my "award" photo, such as it is.

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Now on to the next subject: Frustration.

As many know, about a month ago I went to a LOTR convention. I needed to have a little time to call "my own" and to try to "not think" ... but for most of that weekend I still could not break the "habit" of worry and depression. I called home everyday to make sure things were "ok".. I watched the phone in my room to see if it was going to light up and tell me I needed to go home.... but it did not.

I had no great expectations for the convention. Just hoped being among people who were out to enjoy theirself, that maybe some would rub off on me. Maybe despite myself I would forget for a while and feel like I was a real person.

I met some nice ladies, and watched the guests each day, and in general I had "moments" but they flew by so fast I couldn't be sure I actually had them. Then Sunday came... the last day of the convention. I woke with a depressed feeling because I knew it would soon be over. This day the guest would be Billy Boyd, who played Pippen in LOTR. I can't say I had ever heard anything about him before so I didn't know what to expect. I figured it would be a question and answer hour like all the others, but I hoped I would enjoy it..... little did I know what this young man would do for me.

Billy Boyd. A name I won't forget anytime soon. This young man came on stage and indeed, he talked and answered questions from the audience. He was VERY animated, in the same way old time comedians were. He smiled a lot. He joked a lot. He seemed to know the right buttons to push to make his audience laugh.

It was probably half way through his time on stage when I realized I was in a constant state of a smile. Then I heard myself laugh. The sound is unfamiliar to me anymore... but I knew one thing once it happened... there's hope of once again laughing for those who think there is none.

His time was coming to a close, the audience was applauding (so was I). I think I led the audience up to their feet for his walk off stage. Then I sat down and breathed deeply so that I wouldn't cry. (it was over too fast!)

It took nearly an hour before I was in the line for his autograph in my LOTR book I had bought with me. All the time in the line I wanted to thank him for making me forget for a while... to thank him for making me smile. When I got to him he looked up and said hello.. a meek "thank you" came out, for which I am sure he thought was for the signature he had just put on the book.

For a month now I've searched for a way to be able to send him a letter explaining what I wanted to say to him in that moment in time. I've done all the things I've done before when a real urge to write to someone has hit me. I searched the web over and over. I've called Screen Actors Guild in CA. (who say they have no listing) I've asked a favor of someone I know who has contacts with actors agents. (He even called the agent in England to no avail: "we do not forward letters to Billy:) And, did you know it's illegal to send mail to England to be forwarded to another? Yep.. it's right on the USPS website. I've never felt so frustrated.

And so I take it out on those reading this... because I have no more directions I can take.. and who knows? Maybe Billy reads journals?.. and probably not. But if by chance he sees this let me say: Thank You Billy. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for your ray of sunshine. Thank you for reminding me that there are still reasons to laugh.

So.. now that I am ready to hit the save button, do I feel any better about my frustration? Not at the moment, but maybe there's hope I will finally let go of the want to send that letter... maybe.