Do You Really have to be Crazy to Talk to Yourself?

Over at Mavarin's today she discussed talking with some of her characters that she has written about. In a flash I remembered something I hadn't thought of in years and went in search of a tiny booklet I had purchased from Creations Entertainment years ago.
After about an hour of searching I finally found what I was looking for!



It is a Debate written by Walter Koenig of Star Trek fame, way back in 1986. The debate happens between Chekov (his character) and Koenig (himself). I am going to take the time to type it all out and ask that if you have ever seen Walter as Chekov, then you can imagine his accent in the parts that are his character.
I was honored to see him do this on stage, from memory one time. It struck me , as he flipped from Chekov (accent and all) to Koenig without batting an eye, that he really was a better actor then he was getting credit for.
So.. for your enjoyment (I hope).. the great Chekov-Koenig Debate: (Or: You're never alone when you're schizophrenic)

Chekov
Zdrastvuyte! The topic of this afternoon's debate... the human being versus the heroic alter-ego ,, or, more precisely, shall it be better to be a human person, and stumble along on a mortal coil, spanning three cre and the, while experiencing all manner of insufferable indignities resulting in depression and repression and oppression? Or to be the heroic alter-ego and soar amount the stars in an epic life or mythical proportions in an existence that courts eternity?
Representing the human person is Walter Koenig.
Representing the heroic alter-ego is me, Commander Pavel Chekov!
We will hear first the opening comments of Mr. Koenig.
Koenig
Thank you. By the way, the name is pronounced Kaynig. ... Well, I think the advantages of being a human are self evident. I mean, look at me....
Chekov
Must we?!
Koenig
After all, here I am, flesh and blood, fully dimensional...not an alter-ego concoction of some hack's whim and caprice. Not a purple prose product plucked from the printed page, but a human being, an inspiration of many years int he crafting. A fine blend of passion, perception and philanthropy. God's work, nature's pride....
Chekov
My God, I think I'm going to be sick! Can you believe this Cossack?! Tis is the noble piece of work, ladies and gentlemen, who go caught sitting on the john with his pants down in an airplane bathroom! Don't worry, I read that book you wrote. Listen to this people: he writes a book all about himself and he puts my name on the cover in order to sell it!
Koenig
Now, that's out of line....
Chekov
What was out of line were all the people waiting outside the bathroom for an autograph when the door opened by mistake. Actually, the autograph they wanted was mine, not yours!
Koenig
Telling that story is really hitting below the belt, but since you're so intent on telling toilet tales, what about that time in Space Seed when Mr Khan first came aboard the Enterprise and you hadn't even graduated to the bridge yet? You were still working on the third deck behind the boiler room... and were so sick with Malapropski's Malady... a twenty-third century version of Montezuma’s Revenge... that you had hidden yourself away in the bathroom, and had been there for hours and hours while poor Khan, his genetically engineered kidneys about to explode, pounded pitiably on the bathroom door again and again until it finally swung open, you stepped out: he grabbed you and said, "Your face! I will never forget!" It was that incident that warped his entire personality. I mean, if it wasn't for that incident, he could have been a nice guy in a white suit with a small friend. I mean, if it wasn’t for that incident, he would never have captured the Reliant, or caused it to be destroyed forced Terrell to commit suicide or damaged that Enterprise, or quoted Moby Dick!
Chekov
Can you believe this ridiculous person?! Why do you keep telling people that I was in Space See? I was never in Space Seed!
Koenig
And speaking of "heroic," what about that time in Deadly Years when you had that surge of adrenalin and didn't grow old because you were so frightened?!
Chekov
You forget, if it wasn't for me sacrificing my body to science, Dr. McCoy would never have found an antidote. It was my unselfishness that saved the crew.
Koenig
Oh sure, I remember: "More skin samples, Chekov, more blood samples, Chekov. It they keep this up I'm going to run our of samples!"
Chekov
You are not a pleasant person. You also forgot how I fought and risked my life against the Klingons in The Troulbe with Tribbles because they insulted Captain Kirk, the finest Captain in the Federation! Would you have done the same for William Shatner?
Koenig
------------------
Chekov
Don't talk to me about courage.
Koenig
You're right, I shouldn't. I mean, I know this guy who's coming out with a Chekov doll with an alarm clock in it... it doesn't have a bell, but you can set it so that every fifteen minutes it screams.
Chekov
You know, you shouldn't get too funny with me, kiddo. If we should engage in a little fist-a-cuffs, you wouldn't stand much of a chance. When you started on Star Trek you were already thirty-one. When I came aboard the Enterprise, I was only twenty-two. I've got nine years on you, boychik! Besides, I look a lot better than you do.
Koenig
Sure, with six pounds of makeup and three thousand dollar, custom made uniforms. Look, this is getting out of hand. What do you say we elevate this debate to a higher plane?
Chekov
Sure, like the one in which you lost your pants in the bathroom?
Koenig
No, no, no. Let's discuss the ramifications intendant on the separate identities of the human being and alter-ego.
Chekov
What did he say?
Koenig
For example, I've got a life that goes on 24 hours a day. Yours... at it's best in the sixties... was one hour a week. And now in the eighties... It's what?.... a couple of hours every two or three years?
Chekov
I see your point.
Koenig
Sure. I live every minute of the day. I breathe the air, I smell the flowers, I experience the weather changing. I interact with a thousand different people in a thousand different ways.
Chekov
Very true, very true. What I wouldn't give to breathe the smog, to smell flowers around the stockyards and slaughter houses. To experience onehundred degree temperatures in the summer and tornadoes, floods, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions the rest of the year. Not to mention interacting with a thousand different people, half of whom either want o blow up the world or segregate all those who live in it. So much the better to live like that than to travel the stars, to work in peace and love aboard a fabulous ship with people of all nationalities. To have extraordinary adventures, to learn and grow from these experiences, all the time maintaining the prime directive. Boy oh boy, what I wouldn't give to be in your Guccis!
Koenig
Okay, Okay. Speaking of "peace and love" what about physical love? Man doesn't live by close encounters of the third kind alone you know. What about sex, the rapturous joy, the unbridled euphoria, the exquisite pleasure of deeply personal, shared intimacy between two loving people? I challenge you to tell me of even one profound sexual experience you have had... not in The Apple, not in Spectre of the gun, not even in The Way to Eden. I mean, I've seen every one of your shows (over and over again, God knows!) and never once did I see you do more than kiss a girl.
Chekov
Very true, very true, but then you didn't see what was left on the cutting room floor. Talk about your Star Trek outtakes!
Koenig
Yeah, well, we call those "bloopers"!
Chekov
Believe me, kiddo, those were not bloopers. Throughout several galaxies Pavel Chekov is known as... how shall I say this with humility?... an incredible lover.
Koenig
I believe it.
Chekov
Well, at last you're learning something.
Koenig
Sure. When I think of the lyricism of love, the poetry of passion, the very first image that comes to mind is you... and that drill thrall from Gamesters of Triskelion.
Chekov
You know, I think I am going to throw a bowl of borsht in your face!
Koenig
Not to mention your way with women in Day of the Dove why you tried to rape that poor Klingon lady. Now that was a smooth move!
Chekov
I was not in my right mind.
Koenig
That happens to you a lot, doesn't it?
Chekov
I was not in my right mind only one time in my entire life!
Koenig
Really? What about Mirror, Mirror when you tried to assassinate your beloved Captain?
Chekov
That wasn't me!
Koenig
It wasn't?
Chekov
Or course not!
Koenig
Really?
Chekov
Absolutely!
Koenig
Then who was it?

Chekov

The other Pavel Chekov.
Koenig
Your twin brother?
Chekov
I have no brother!
Koenig
So it was the other Pavel Chekov who looks exactly like you, but it wasn't you, and it wasn't your twin brother because you don't have a twin brother?
Chekov
I already said that.
Koenig
So it was the other Pavel Chekov who looks exactly like you, but it wasn't you, and it wasn't your twin brother because you don't have a twin brother, and only ONE time in your life you weren't in your right mind?!
Chekov
You keep repeating everything!
Koenig
I'm only trying to make a point.
Chekov
You know what?
Koenig
What?
Chekov
I think you were invented by a little old parrot from Leningrad!
Koenig
Oh, yeah, well, let me tell you something: If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have any of those great adventures on Ceti Alpha V and Genesis.
Chekov
Oh, yeah, well, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn’t be at this convention right now!
Koenig
Oh yeah, you turkey!
Chekov
Turkey? Cossack!
Koenig
Cossack? Nerd!
Chekov
Nerd? Bolshevik!
Koenig
Oh yeah?
Chekov
Yeah.
Koenig
YEAH?
Chekov
DA?!
Koenig
DA!
Chekov
DA, DA?!
Koenig
DA, YEAH....
(at this point Mr Chekov...Koenig, still muttering to himself, is dragged off stage by two men in white outfits.)